


knead your love (you got what I knead)

by orphan_account



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Pre-Relationship, and i oop, based on a prompt, but he's developing, henry orders from the wrong pizza place, kind of a whump tbh, oh god this is cursed, pizza delivery au, shit goes haywire, ted is a dumbass, the working boys are scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-21
Updated: 2019-07-21
Packaged: 2020-07-10 08:27:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19902757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "As Henry opened the door to let the pizza man in, Lady Luck had, evidently, decided to give Henry a gratuitous kick in the pants. Because      Ted fucking Richards was a pizza delivery man, and he was currently leaning on Henry's door frame.If Ted didn’t start acting normal soon, Henry was certain he’d run in there and slap the pornstache right off his arguably handsome face."(In which Emma orchestrates a Working Boys reunion, Henry orders from the Very Incorrect pizza delivery place, Ted is still a dumbass, and Greg, Steve, Stu, Mark, Leighton, and Chad are tired of their shit.)





	knead your love (you got what I knead)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally I was going to just hide this away on Wattpad, but that obviously didn't happen.
> 
> This was written for the Tedgens Discord's June 2019 Fanfic Prompt Collab (yes, I know I'm almost a month late), for the theme of Cursed Fanfics. We chose the cheesiest, uhhh.... "questionable" prompts, before we made them either wholesome or horrifying - sometimes both. My prompt I used is in the notes at the bottom. Ciao <3

**TW: Vomiting, concussions, pizza dick(???)**

**Edit: I've also been told that this fic is rampant with secondhand embarrassment, just as an FYI.**

* * *

_Knock knock._ “Pizza delivery!”

Repairing friendships, in Henry’s experience, was extremely messy.

The whole idea of a _‘Workin’ Boys Reunion’_ had been Emma’s plan. It probably wouldn’t have happened otherwise. Henry’s unfortunate… _lapse in judgment_ during the Hatchetfield Incident had proved to be quite an eye-opener for how deeply Henry was affected by his isolation - and the resulting depression that followed.

Emma managed to talk him out of opening himself up to musical enslavement - he was glad, he wouldn’t be organizing a reunion if she didn’t. It would have been bold of Henry to assume rekindling his relationship with his college friends would go well; he knew that from the start. He had fucked up, _badly_ , when they parted ways and was surprised that they didn’t just turn him down on the spot. But they agreed, reluctantly, to meet at Henry’s new apartment in Clivesdale almost 6 months after the Hatchetfield incident.

He was overjoyed at the news. He almost cried, at the time, but he had to assure that everything was going according to plan.

Henry strode up to the door, his guests already waiting at the table. It seemed to be going well, and if the others had held onto any past grudges, they didn’t show it.

However, as Henry opened the door to let the pizza man in, Lady Luck had, evidently, decided to give Henry a gratuitous kick in the pants. Because _Ted fucking Richards_ was a pizza delivery man, and he was currently leaning on Henry's door frame.

“Hey, I’ve uh, I’ve got your pizza- oh.”

As Henry gaped like a fish - which probably made him look like a fool, he grimly realized- he thought about how previously, Henry thought that there was no way to ruin a Domino’s pizza. Granted, yes, the pizza was shitty, and he could later think of probably a dozen restaurants that could do a better job, but it was something quite difficult to mess up.

However, seeing Ted as his pizza delivery man made him increasingly worried that wouldn’t be the case.

“Holy shit, man,” Ted gasped, taking his arm off the doorframe. _“Hidgens?”_

Henry felt floored under his gaze. He couldn’t help but feel like this was another ingredient in a recipe for disaster.

“Good god, Ted! Yes, uhh…” Henry trailed. “Hello, it’s… it’s good to see you.”

Henry trailed his eyes down Ted’s body, noting the _“Big Sausage Pizza!”_ uniform, which looked like a white knockoff of the Pizza Guys employee attire.

But outside of the coat, Ted looked pretty much the same as he remembered. Same godawful mustache. In conjunction with the uniform, however, it made him look incredibly cheesy. Almost like something straight out of an Italian porno, Henry thought.

Wait.

Didn’t Henry order from Domino’s?

Henry did the mental equivalent of a shrug. Regardless, Henry figured it wouldn’t make much of a difference. He was sure that all the delivery pizzas in the area were the same level of half-assed. It wasn’t like it would ruin the night. He was sure it was a completely normal pizza.

“Good to see you too, man,” Ted said, before reaching forward and locking Henry into what could only be described as a ‘Brohug’.

Henry tried to give him his best Manly and Strong pat on the back, but Ted broke the hug before he got the chance.

“I thought you would have left Clivesdale by now. I know you said something about New York, or Broadway, or…” 

“No... ah, no.”

“You’re staying, then? In Clivesdale, I mean.”

“For now, at least.”

Henry _had_ thought about leaving. Quite a lot, actually. But Emma made the offhand comment one day about how she didn’t have any good teachers to help her finish her biology course. Naturally, he immediately applied for a job at the Clivesdale Community College. “Plans change, I suppose.”

Ted seemed to accept this, shrugging and giving him a small smile. “Good. Glad you’re here, man,” he said. Admittedly, it felt uncharacteristic compared to the last time Henry had seen him. A beat passed.

He seemed to suddenly remember why he was at Henry’s doorstep. “Ah, uhh…” Ted glanced down at the pizza box still in his left hand and… blushed slightly.

“Well, _Professor_ , I wasn’t exactly expecting you to order from-“

 _Of course,_ Henry thought, Ted must have been embarrassed about seeing Henry after such a long time. They'd both previously promised that they wouldn't cross ways in the future - both to themselves _and_ PEIP, which was determined that interaction would be a negative.

“Nonsense!” Henry interjected, before gesturing for Ted to come inside. “I wasn’t exactly planning on it either, but people have their needs, you know how it is. Come in, come in.”

Returning to the dining room, Ted in tow, he saw that surprisingly it was the same as he had left it. No one arguing, or trying to maim each other. _This is good_ , Henry thought to himself.

“I’ll prepare it for you, for old time’s sake, and- oh shit, there’s others here. Great, uhh. Good to know,” Ted rambled, before moving to the small apartment kitchen and setting to work.

The _‘Workin’ Boys’_ hadn’t changed much since the last time he had seen them. Obviously, they had aged, (Albeit none aged as much as Henry, who appeared almost 20 years older than the others), and several of them had spouses, but their core group dynamic remained unchanged.

Greg, with now greying hair and kind eyes, was still the mom friend, residing as an eternal mother hen whose behavior seemed amplified by _his own_ fatherhood. He was the first of the group sitting at Henry’s table and was currently fussing over Steve, who had announced that he was going to be a grandfather in May. Neither of them seemed to have changed a bit.

Leighton was across the table, eagerly telling a story to Mark, and despite his eagerness, he was part of the four who _hadn’t_ been married yet. And admittedly, Henry was shocked. He had always been the one to take home dates and had a solid amount of the cheerleaders knocking at his door at some point. Or, if he had a partner, he never mentioned it. Regardless, he still maintained the veneer of casual attitude that radiated from his core, as he smiled at his lifelong friend Mark.

Mark sat next to him, who had at least doubled the number of tattoos covering his arms and legs since college. He adored them in school and his appreciation for body art evidently hadn’t faded. He was avidly listening to Leighton loudly explain something about bees and occasionally asked joking questions.

They were sitting as close as two people in separate chairs could and were practically on top of each other. Henry figured it was just since the two hadn’t seen each other in a long time. However, they seemed just as close as when Henry had last seen them.

Stu and Chad were definitely the most silent of the table, and it seemed like they were struggling to make conversation. Stu had always been very analytical - outsiders would call him cold-hearted - and combined with Chad’s introvertedness, they were poor at communication. However, they seemed to still be enjoying each other’s presence.

Henry took a seat at the table next to Chad and Steve before drumming his lanky fingers on the wood surface.

Drawing his eyes back to Ted, still in the kitchen, he could hear him humming (Singing? Mumbling? Henry couldn’t tell) a tune that seemed to have no real structure. He could vaguely discern the word ‘pepperoni’ amongst the jangled notes. Henry’s anxiety was beginning to increase exponentially.

“He is so enthusiastic!” Steve laughed.

A beat passed before Stu spoke up. “Maybe he should have taken up accounting. Or law.”

Mark shushed him. Leighton chuckled slightly.

Ted turned back to the group, striding in from the kitchen, holding a crisp, reheated, and mildly less shitty than Henry had thought, pizza.

“Now. Let me prepare it the big sausage way,” he said, winking. That was a mildly off-putting sight in itself, but then Ted carried the pizza back into the kitchen to do... _something_.

Ted seemed slightly anxious, though not anywhere near Henry’s level of crippling anxiety. He idly wondered why. Ted returned to the kitchen, leaving Henry and the boys to make small talk. Or attempt it.

Steve leaned to Greg, “What is the pizza guy _doing_ over there?”

Henry could vaguely hear a thumping noise from the kitchen, shrugging. A second later, it seemed like Ted started _jumping up and down_ , and a much louder noise crashed throughout the apartment. It sounded like he was beating something on the pizza tray. If Ted didn’t start acting normal soon, Henry was certain he’d run in there and slap the pornstache right off his arguably handsome face.

“Oh, I’m sure it's okay,” Chad spoke up. “That's…”

The noise continued.

Chad chuckled nervously. “That's probably just… maybe it’s how he gets the pizza ready?” he wondered, although he didn’t sound any more certain than the others.

Henry was fearing he’d have another anxiety attack if Ted didn’t get the godforsaken pizza out soon. “Ted. Come up with the pizza, we’re hungry!”

Steve scolded him. “It’s alright, dude. It’s part of the delivery business. He's 'gotta make _every_ pizza perfect - or else, you could like, sue him. It’s bad for business,” he said.

Stu looked up. “It's lawsuit time,” he deadpanned.

The group gave a collective chuckle before bringing their eyes back to the kitchen doorway. Henry was becoming increasingly annoyed at their deliveryman.

“Good god, Ted, it's not rocket science!” Henry shouted. “Come on! Get the pizza over here!”

After a beat passed, Ted reentered from the kitchen, holding the pizza box in his hands at waist level. Henry let out a sigh of relief.

Chad leaned over and patted Henry on the shoulder. “Be nice,” he whispered. “He's probably just doing something special to it. It’s okay.”

Henry gave Chad a small smile. He suddenly became aware of how much he had really missed Chad. How he had always managed to calm Henry down when he was about to go off the edge. However, Ted approached the table, lower half still cut off from view.

Ted raised the pizza box slightly, moving so he leaned against the side of the table, and grasped the lid.

“Here you are,” he said, enthusiastically. “I hope you like it ‘Big Sausage’ style!”

In hindsight (and he definitely should have figured this out earlier), inviting his old college friends to a dinner prepared by _Ted_ , of all people, may have been a poor idea.

And maybe - just maybe - he should have checked the description on _what pizza delivery place he ordered from._ Because he had gotten the specifics of what kind of pizza they served horribly wrong.

Ted opened the cardboard box. And sitting among the pepperonis and the onion was something unexpected: Ted’s ‘big sausage’, poking through a hole in the box.

It was his... his fucking spicy meat stick.

His… Jesus Christ, who was Henry kidding; it was Ted’s actual fucking penis. Henry had accidentally ordered from a place that serves _dick pizza._

A beat of silence passed before Greg gasped and screamed, horrified. Actually screamed.

Mark was taking a drink from his glass of water on the table, and spat water all over the table at the sight of Ted’s dick in the pizza, looking like he was in a cartoon Leighton was laughing like someone had just told him the greatest joke in the world - which, if this was a joke, it might have been - as the others were panicking.

Henry felt himself becoming slightly dizzy. “What the actual _fuck_ , Ted?” he shouted over the din.

Ted evidently did not expect this reaction. “It's-it's ‘Big Sausage Pizza?’” He immediately closed the pizza box.

This elicited a chuckle from Stu, who was the only one who had been silent throughout the whole ideal. The others continued their panic. Greg, in particular, seemed on the verge of a panic attack as Steve comforted him from across the table. However, this - mildly horrific - statement proved to be too much for Henry.

Stu seemed to take notice of Henry’s lightheadedness. “Henry,” Stu said. “Are you feeling alright? You don’t look too… good.”

“Yes. I’m just going to… just feel like I need to-”

Henry felt his eyes roll back into his head as he fell forwards.

“Uh, guys!?”

“What the hell, someone catch-“

Henry’s vision faded to black. 

* * *

Upon awakening, Henry first noticed the steady ache in the front of his skull.

It didn’t feel new. It felt like it was a gently throbbing injury, several hours old. It was as if someone had jammed their foot right into the front of Henry’s scalp, before proceeding to step on him. And then waking up 5 hours later.

In conclusion, not good. Wincing, he opened his eyes to find himself in a hospital bed.

White, sterile, and with lights shining down on him from the ceiling that was much too bright for Henry’s thrumming headache, he was lying in bed with a blanket pulled up to his chest. The room was fairly uniform and wasn’t unlike the ones that he’d been taken to after the Hatchetfield incident.

Instead of a practical _legion_ of doctors leaning over him to inspect his wounds and mental health like those after the Apotheosis, the room was empty. That was definitely a refreshing sight, in Henry’s mind. However, as he scanned his surroundings, his eyes fell on Ted, who was slumped over asleep in the seat next to his bed.

Hair unkempt - ungelled for the first time Henry had seen it (On another day, Henry might have said he was attractive) - and chin resting on his upright hand, Ted was fast asleep.

He didn’t seem any more comfortable than Henry felt. And the time on the clock - 11:13, Henry read - meant Henry had been out cold for at least a couple hours. Though despite this, Ted still looked more at peace than he normally was.

Henry sat up against the bedframe and picked up the small clipboard of patient information that was resting on top of the bedside table. He began to read carefully. Before he was even able to focus on the page, his vision became extremely blurry. That should have been the primary clue. However, as he scanned, the phrases _HEAD TRAUMA_ and _MILD CONCUSSION_ kept repeating.

As he flipped a page noisily, trying to make more sense of the seemingly abstract scribbles on the page as he became more nauseous, Ted jolted awake in his chair, opening his eyes.

“You’re awake,” he said groggily, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

Henry looked up at him, nodding, before continuing his sorry attempt to read.

Ted sat there for a moment, seemingly staring off into space before suddenly realizing what Henry was doing.

“Hey, Professor,” he whispered. “The uhh… The doctor said it’s not good to do stuff that might strain your eyes. You hit the table pretty hard. You got a concussion. Stuff like reading’ll make you feel sick."

He looked up at Ted, realizing his statement. “Ted, I’m… I’m perfectly fine…” he trailed. “I’m okay, I’m sure I’m okay to do stuff like reading.”

However, Henry definitely _didn’t_ feel okay. It felt like the room was spinning on its axis and wouldn’t stop.

Ted looked away for a moment, and when he looked back, Henry began to vomit into the trash can by the bed.

“Whoa whoa whoa, okay okay, uhh…” Ted placed a hand on Henry’s shoulder as he expelled the contents of his stomach into the bin.

“Just let it out?” he guessed, giving him a pat.

Henry glared at Ted as he finished before grabbing a tissue from the bedside table and wiping his chin. He placed the trash can back in its place.

Henry sat back on the bed, staring at the ceiling looking at nothing in particular.

Ted broke the silence. “Listen, man, I’m so sorry. I probably should have figured that you ordered from the wrong company at the start, huh?”

“We get a lot of customers,” Ted continued. “And you and I didn’t talk much during the whole apocalypse shit, so I figured _why the hell not_ \- I’m not exactly one to judge. Though I should have noticed, I don’t know why the hell I didn’t.”

Henry looked over at Ted. He wasn’t making eye contact, just watching as he tapped his own finger against the uncomfortable hospital waiting chair. And uncharacteristically, Ted seemed _genuinely sorry_.

“So getting another job at another CCRP Technical didn’t work, then?” Henry asked cautiously.

Ted chuckled. “I didn’t even apply.”

Henry raised an eyebrow but Ted turned to face him. “I was so _sick_ of being the office _asshole,_ ” he admitted. “I mean, yeah, that’s pretty much what I was. No denying it at this point. But after Hatchetfield I did promise to be a better person.”

“And although it’s… well, it’s definitely not a respectable job, it’s still a job. And I’m making people happy, for once! I mean, I’m obviously not _right now_ , but you get the point.”

Henry smirked. “Good,” he said before his smile dropped. “I suppose the others who were visiting hate me now even more, though. This whole situation is very ironic-”

Ted gaped. “Nah, no way man, they weren’t mad! We talked, actually.”

“They weren’t upset? Don’t fuck with me, Ted. I’ve had a long day.”

“I’m not! They waited a long time here before they had to leave. You were out for hours. They weren’t mad at all, most of them found it pretty funny once we found out what happened.”

“That can’t be-“

“They uhh… they told me about why you left them,” he interjected. “They said you _bolted_ after someone outed you to the whole school college. They aren’t mad about that either. _God_ , it wouldn’t make any sense if they were.”

For once, Henry was having trouble processing something. Ted still continued, though. “Listen, man. They don’t care that you’re gay. Hell. You know… uhh, Leighton? And the tattooed guy?”

“Mark,” Henry clarified.

“You weren’t there, obviously,” he said. “But when you left, you gave them a lot to think about. They started dating the year after you left, Professor. They're engaged.”

Henry noticeably felt his brain short circuit for a second.

_“What?!”_ he hissed, grabbing Ted by the collar.

“Jesus Christ, man! They said they wanted to _tell you_ , but not a single one of them knew where you went!” he sputtered.

“Ted fucking Richards, I swear to god-“

“The smaller guy, Chad, he’s gay too. And Stu’s asexual. We had a whole conversation. I’m even bi, man. I work at a fucking _dick pizza_ restaurant, it’s part of the job description. Is your... god what's the thing... Hidgens, is your gaydar working correctly-”

“My...” Henry trailed. He sighed. “Okay, I get it. They’re not mad and we’re all gay, calm down.”

Ted smirked. Henry hummed in his seat for a moment.

It didn’t last long before Henry scowled, gripping Ted by the collar again. _“You’re telling me that I could have avoided seeing your fucking dick pizza if I had just checked the Facebook?”_ he hissed.

Ted just looked up at him, unfazed. “Well, when you put it that way-”

Henry rolled his eyes. “You’re unbelievable,” he sighed before releasing Ted.

Ted still had that stupid fucking grin on his face as he sat back in his seat.

“ _God_ , I wouldn’t normally say this, but I… I missed you, Professor,” Ted admitted. “Hell, I hadn’t seen any of the other Hatchetfield survivors before today, besides Paul. And honestly? It was _really_ nice to see you.”

Henry sighed. “Yeah, uhh. If only it had been under better circumstances,” he chuckled.

Ted wiped his palms on his pants and gave Henry a smile. Henry returned it before his eyes were drawn back to the analog clock.

“You should go home, though, Ted. It’s late. And if you’re… _working_ again tomorrow, you should get some sleep.”

Ted sighed and placed his hands on his knees. “Yeah.”

“Thank you. For staying, Ted. You didn’t have to.”

“No problem,” he said, standing up and flashing a smile. “It was the least I could do.”

Ted coughed. “That whole, uhh… the thing shouldn’t have happened-“

“Don’t ever mention it to Paul or Emma and I won’t speak of it again.”

“Right,” he sighed.

Ted gave him a small wave as he crossed the room. He paused next to the door, hand raised above the handle, before turning back to Henry.

“Feel free to give _Big Sausage Pizza_ a call. I’d be more than happy to make the trip for you, Hidgens,” he flirted, giving Henry a wink. It seemed more playful than actually serious, though.

“Absolutely not.” Henry deadpanned. Unfortunately, the blush creeping up his cheeks was a blaring sign he meant otherwise. Though if Ted noticed, he didn’t say anything.

Ted laughed. “Ah, it was worth a shot.” He shrugged. “Seeya, man.”

He gave Henry a smile and a finger gun before opening and leaving through the door. It shut with a loud clunk in the otherwise quiet hospital atmosphere. Henry sunk back into the semi-soft surface of the hospital linens, running his hand through his hair.

* * *

The rest of the week afterward passed uncharacteristically smoothly. Henry gave Emma a call that it had mostly gone well. She knew immediately, however, of his concussion - she was his emergency contact at the Clivesdale ICU.

Emma immediately rushed to the hospital and picked him up. True to his word, he lied about the true events that had conspired. He told her that he had just tripped after the party had ended, and that had Stu driven him to the hospital. Ted, in this story, wasn’t involved - Henry hadn’t seen him since the Apocalypse, of course, so why would he be? - and Emma was none the wiser.

And, if Ted and Henry started meeting for lunch on a fairly regular basis, Emma wouldn’t have to know that. Though several months later, she would pry the information out of Ted personally and make him _firmly_ aware that if he hurt Henry, Emma would personally scoop his eyes out with a spoon.

As Ted had mentioned before, his college friends weren’t mad at all; Leighton apparently wouldn’t stop laughing for the next week, to Mark’s dismay. The others were only mildly horrified, but it wore off as soon as they realized that Ted was a genuinely okay person - it was just an honest mistake. They’d laugh about this fact for the next several years.

So, despite the world’s turning, and even though fate was the cruelest mistress of them all, perhaps repairing friendships wasn’t as messy as Henry thought.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope your eyes aren't bleeding too badly, but that was the point.
> 
> the prompt I used (please watch at your own discretion, it's very cursed): https://youtu.be/kmKzsbc2UZ8  
> the title is from a trey kennedy video/song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8GsaQwBafE
> 
> thanks to all the poor bastards I know IRL who beta'd this (none of them have ao3 lmao)  
> and to all my fellow discord rats who gave me the idea to write this <3


End file.
